Turmoil, Heartache, and Reconciliation
by Professor Authordude
Summary: A series of three one-shots focusing on Qui Gon and Obi Wan after the scene in the Council Chambers in The Phantom Menace. Many guilt trips and self doubt issues, and, of course, mush. Complete.
1. I'm Still Here

Disclaimer- That lucky bugger George Lucas owns Obi-Wan, while I am forced to drool over my picture collection. He also owns Qui-Gon, Jedi Extraordinaire. Jude Watson owns Xanatos the Poohead.

A/N- This is a series inspired by Qui-Gon's line in The Phantom Menace: "Then I will train him. I take Anakin as my Padawan Learner." It has been done before, but I hope mine is somewhat unique. This particular chapter was inspired by the lyrics of "I'm Still Here" by John Rzeznik. I would paste them here, but I am afraid to get in trouble for it.

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Turmoil, Heartache, and Reconciliation

Part One: Failure

Chapter One: I'm Still Here

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I am not good enough.

I never have been.

All my life I have known that I am unworthy of the great honor bestowed on me of being a Jedi, and even less worthy of being the Padawan of Qui-Gon Jinn. Over the years, I had come to the mistaken conclusion that my Master liked me well enough despite my faults.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Master thinks my impertinence on the matter of Anakin Skywalker stems from my taking offense at his words. I am not offended. I am not even very surprised.

What I am is hurt.

My Master is the only father I have ever known, and his rejection knifes at me. I do not begrudge him the training of the Chosen One. If anyone can dispel the uneasiness I feel in Anakin's future, I know it is him. He deserves the legacy.

There is little I know about his first Padawan. She was Knighted fairly young, and has a Padawan of her own now. It is good to know that Qui-Gon's teaching are being passed on.

Then there was the second Padawan-- Xanatos. He was a fool. From what people have said when they think I am not listening, I have come to learn that he was one of the most talented apprentices in the Temple. He had the greatest Master in the Order. And he threw it all away for pride, and money, and power. He could have been Master's great legacy, but instead he Turned to the Dark Side.

There is no sympathy in my heart for Xanatos. That I wish he had come back to the Light instead of dying is for my Master's sake only. Xanatos hurt him, and I doubt he will ever fully recover from the betrayal dealt him.

Then there is me: little Obi-Wan Kenobi. Almost sent to the Agri-Corps, became a Padawan at the last second. Master was drawn to Xanatos because he could have accomplished great things had he not Turned. I became Qui-Gon's Padawan half out of sense of misguided debt, and half out of pity. Great things were never my path in life, and my Master did not want to train me. These two great failures of my life, I have become resigned to.

Perhaps Anakin will be different. Perhaps he will be the Padawan who gets Master the recognition he deserves, and takes away the shame of Xanatos's betrayal, and my mediocrity.

But meanwhile a chasm has opened between us. I know that I must close it, for Qui-Gon has more important things to worry about than the feelings of a substandard apprentice. I will apologize for my disrespect, and for his sake I will wait until I can hide my despair. This one last thing, I will do for him.

After this mission, Anakin will become his Padawan. Despite what he and I both told the Council, I am not ready for the Trials. I doubt I ever will be capable; I never have been before. So if my Master wishes it of me, I will leave the Jedi. For my fahter, I will do the one thing I swore I would never do.

I have never been good enough. But what I never realized is I have always been destined to be alone, and a failure.

Forgive me, Master.

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A/N- Um, that was kind of depressing. I was rather laughing at Obi-Wan while I was typing, because I did my very best to keep him in character. I could see him saying all this, and what amused me is how untrue it is, but how he believes it. Next chapter: Qui-Gon on a guilt trip. Thanks for reading, constructive criticism welcome.

As a side note, two of my more stupid stories were taken off of the site. This raises questions in my mind of whether or not my account is in danger of being shut down. As a precautionary measure, I have created another account, which I will use in that event. The pen-name is Professor Authordudette, which I may change to Professor Authordude II.


	2. The Reason

Disclaimer- Again, I do not own Obi-Wan or Qui-Gon. Nor do I really own the nickname "Little One."

A/N- The responses to chapter one brought a smile to my face. I think we all agree that Obi-Wan has no self-confidence. This chapter was inspired by Hoobastank's "The Reason." People were anxious to see the next part, so without further ado, Qui-Gon on a guilt trip!

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Turmoil, Heartache, and Reconciliation

Part One: Failure

Chapter One: The Reason

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Of all the mistakes I have made concerning my Padawan, I think this one takes the cake. At first I thought that he was offended by my-- to him-- unexpected decision to train Anakin. But the longer I unobtrusively watch him on this flight to Naboo, the more I come to realize that the hidden emotion he cannot quite keep from me is pain.

I hurt him.

Obi-Wan ha always suffered from a lack of self-confidence. He believes himself unworthy. And this knowledge is only strengthened as I replay the scene in the Council Chambers, and analyze the emotions I felt coming from him before our bond was choked off.

There was no offense, and there was no anger.

There was pain. There was despair. There was self-recrimination. But there was no surprise, and that causes a deep ache within my heart.

He expected me to reject him. And why should he not, I did it often enough in the beginning. Then, I was reluctant to trust any Padawan. Any Initiate was a Xanatos in hiding. No matter how pure, or how noble, or how full of Light. For Obi-Wan has always been all of these.

Though I eventually did listen to the Force's prodding-- or beating with a stick, depending on how one looks at it-- my delay cost him any assurance he might have had.

Inwardly, I curse the Council. Their admonishment about deciding themselves who is ready for the Trials was directed at me, to let me know that they did not approve of my unexpected recommendation. No doubt Obi-Wan thought it was an evaluation of his skills.

Several of their members believe that I only want to get him out of the way so I can train Anakin. It is almost amusing how these "wisest" Jedi Masters believe such a misconception.

Obi-Wan is like the son I never had. Had he not come into my life, I never would have recovered from Xanatos's betrayal. He healed me, so I can offer comfort freely to a lost boy unsure of his future and taken from everything he knew. I remember a time in the past, when I knew another unsure of his future, and could not-- would not-- support him the way he needed.

I will train Anakin because the Force wills it. The promise to his mother could be kept if another was his Master, but the Force pushes me, and I dare not defy it again.

The aforementioned Council members may also think that I am fighting to train Anakin in order to get the recognition of being Master to the Chosen One. They think that I want Anakin as my legacy. They could not be more wrong.

I have a legacy. His name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. It takes no great prowess of the Living Force to see that one day he will be a great Jedi Knight, for this is what he was born to do.

A Jedi is not just defined by the Force, or by their 'saber skills, but by their heart. And Obi-Wan alone prevented mine from becoming shriveled and dry. Now I can think about Xanatos without pain. There is regret, for had he not Turned he could have been almost as great a Jedi as Obi-Wan, but there is no ache with that regret.

My "Little One," though I have not called him that in years, will be the greatest Jedi Knight who ever lived. My failing is that he does not know this, nor would he believe it if he was told.

Forgive me, Padawan.

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A/N- I am posting this when I should be asleep, but I did not think I would have the chance again. Tomorrow I take the PSAT, then go straight to a marching band practice/show, then on Sunday we have a show to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Hope you liked Qui-Gon's guilt trip. My back-up account's name has been changed to Professor Authordude II, just so everyone knows. Constructive criticism welcome.


	3. Always Know Where You Are

Disclaimer- I wish I owned Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, but sadly, I do not.

A/N- The apparently long-awaited final chapter (of this part, anyway) of The Guilt Trip story, featuring the stuff everyone wants-- the mush. Inspired by the lyrics of Always Know Where You Are by John Rzeznik. Dedicated with a hug to Laura of Maychoria.

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"talking"

'private thoughts'

/talking through bond/

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Turmoil, Heartache, and Reconciliation

Part One and a Half: Forgiveness of Failure

Chapter Three: Always Know Where You Are

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Qui-Gon turned to see his apprentice standing behind him, waiting patiently. Obi-Wan's gaze was on the ground, his hands folded into his sleeves. "Master, I have been disrespectful, and I want to apologize. It's not my place to disagree with you about the boy. If you wish me to, when we return," he took a deep breath and forced the next three words out of his mouth. "I will withdraw."

The tall Master just stared at him a moment, uncomprehending. Then, reaching out a slightly shaking hand, he tipped his Padawan's chin up so their eyes met. There, in the storm-cloud gray irises was the all of the misery that Obi-Wan had wrested from his voice. It was the hopelessness of one who despairs of ever being anything other than alone.

Sadly, he gave an internal shake of his head. 'So this is what I've done to you, my Padawan.'

Sighing, he hugged Obi-Wan. The young man stiffened in surprise, but Qui-Gon did not let him go. /If you leave, Little One, I will follow you./

Finally, for the first time since the day in the Council Chambers, their bond was open. Amid a sea of confusion, one word reached Qui-Gon. /Why/

/Because you are my light, and I would be lost without you./

It was then that Obi-Wan knew that, despite his failures and imperfections, and despite everything which had been misunderstood between them, his Master loved him, and the bond they shared could never be broken. At long last he relaxed in the embrace, letting a single tear soak into the brown robe.

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A/N- Thanks to everyone who reviewed. This got a far better response than I had thought, so I hope everyone liked my mush. Later chapters, when I get around to writing them, will feature vignettes by Mace and Yoda. Constructive criticism welcome.


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